This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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