Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
