Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
