If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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