Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
