his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
