Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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