What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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