i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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