Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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