I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
