No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Randomize
