She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
