he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
