I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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