our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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