I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
