New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
