Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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