my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
