I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
