Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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