I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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