I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
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I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
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I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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