She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
