Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
