I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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