Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
