Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
i think i just lost a toe
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
