I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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