smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
