Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
