i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
