Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
