I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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