They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
