Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
