did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
