did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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