I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
