Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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