Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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