The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
