Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
