Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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