I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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