My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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