You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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