I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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