Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I cockslap morals
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
