There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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