my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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