What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Tornado booty call.. dedication
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Randomize
