saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
