mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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