I CAN MOONWALK!
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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