I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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